Body does strange things.

Like I said before I had some trouble breathing from time to time. Even worst my sleeping habits are fucked up. It might be because I got Final Fantasy 4 recently, and been playing that non-stop and how shitty I'm eating, but I only stay up until I'm exhausted and then I sleep an unrestful sleep. Eating, has no taste in food anymore, it feels I'm just maintaining myself enough to exist. I need to clean up my room something harsh.

A particularly tiresome day

We went to the morgue today and saw my dad before releasing him to the funeral home for the arrangements. Bizarrely enough while we drove to the hospital, Crazy Train was being played on the radio which seemed to suit the moment. I don't know how to explain going to see my dad in the morgue. To tell the truth there had been a lot of questions I've been asking myself on how to handle it.

Me personally I wasn't with my dad the moment he died, after being at the hospital for so long and seeing his health deteriorate, I just went home not because I didn't want to see him in that condition, but I was just tired. The day that followed his death, there was just something in my mind that people here might find a bit morbid.

It actually was spurred by some events that happened a few days before he went into the hospital. As I mentioned before, his feet were swollen. It's hard to describe when you make a realization it never really dawns on you suddenly, but just seeing the poor state of his feet really just showed how much in denial I was about the health of my dad. I mean it was sort of showed me how badly his health was and everything was not alright. In some way that day coupled by the fact I wasn't with my father sort of made me want to take a picture of his feet at the morgue.

I know that might sound way out of line, in fact some of you might dislike me for it and I don't blame you. I did discuss this with my family and they seemed alright with it. My mother understood, I was apprehensive in discussing it with my brother because he has a more no bullshit mind, but he didn't have any objections to my actions. There really isn't a real reason for me to take it, I guess it is someway to help me cope, I was hoping to serve as a something to show to a friend who's happily married and with a great son; to help him quit smoking, but through it all I think it was a way to help me cope. I had some difficult feelings about not being right at the hospital when my dad passed away, I considered taking a picture of his face, but he did seem so peaceful it didn't warrent it. My mother discussed how the spirity has left the body and it's just the body now, and I truly felt that.

But it was slight hard, at least something that weighed heavy on my mind, not of whether or I'll actually do it; but just preparing yourself for what comes ahead. In someways I didn't want to do it, and in someways you feel anxious, but when we drove up, waited in the lobby and went down into the morgue it felt like entering another place. I there was just something different about it all, and well I don't know how to explain it. I actually helped out bringing my dad's shelf out onto the machine which is pretty damn messed up considering the last thing you want to do is pull your dad's body out from the morgue's chambers.

My mom talked a bit to him, my brother took it well. It's good because he was out of town when all of this happened. But after the viewing we all felt better. We left and later in the day we made the funeral arrangements. I don't know if anyone else really had the same feeling I had during the funeral planning with the home, but I actually felt my chest tighten up. There was nothing on my mind, but halfway through the discussions, I found a bit of trouble breathing, as if I jogged for a good mile or so. It passed after, but I dunno if it was just stress, nerves or something was actually wrong with me.

I shamelessly took this post from the board I usually post on.

Some might find it a bit humourous, a bit cruel and a bit cosmic jokish but my father just passed away about a hour and half ago. Well within the day that I was born. I suppose I should be grateful to a certain degree because now I will forever have a constant reminder of when my dad died.

I know what I'm going to say so I'm just going to say it. Me and my dad never had a nuclear family, picturesque father-son relationship. I know that in some way I'm to blame for that, as well he probably think he was to blame for it as well. In some way, I guess death has made me want to feel closer to him, and the fates granted my wish by letting him die on this day. In general we weren't close, but father-son relationships are never as cut and dry as that. Despite our lack of communication we did have a bond that only family could create, that runs deeper than just understanding the surface. He worked. He worked for his family and he did that out of unconditional love for his family. And even though that is a good reason of why we were so distant, it's something that I can understand to my very core.

What killed him? Well other than his lungs failing as well with his heart giving it his all; he died because of smoking. And yes even though it might be crass, even though it might be self serving I am going to turn this post into an anti-smoking post. Me personally I've never smoked, not because the effects of my father, but I was a good little boy and never saw the need for it. And to tell the truth, being the idiot I am I might actually take it up in the future. One day when I might just feel like it, just take it up because I've always seen it as a bit of a fashion statement, an artistic accessory to an artist, a natural must for someone who's creative. But this only goes to show how smoking has been made so natural in society that even the concept of killing yourself with smoke is justified by the idealology of free will. And to tell the truth, I probably wouldn't have the slightest bit of guilt if I lit up a ciggy.

Even if the anti-smoking ads have never "gotten" to you, or those anti smoking lectures never "sunk in", I'm going to travel that same road of futility. I am saying not to smoke ever...but in such a way where you would greatly consider quitting, moreso than ever before.

My dad had club feet due to poor circulation. His feet were permanent purple reaching all the way up to his knees because of it, and they looked like inflated balloons. His hands would puff up from medication, his heart was working at max to compensate for his lung failure and he'd blister from the slightest bump. He would urinate into a gum bucket because he couldn't make it to the bathroom at night; he would just sit and watch TV all day and nothing else, all the time while being on O2.

Who knows, perhaps at the end of all of our lives, we will encounter a similiar situation, medications, deformed body parts, weak bodies...I know it will happen to many of us. But I guess what I'm trying to get at is I wouldn't like to see any of you go through this, just because of smoking. Not even at the end of your life where you think "It's my body, going to end anyways, might as well," there are better ways to go out than that. Yes we all die, but would you prefer to have lived 5+ years in the lifestyle I described above?

The death still hasn't hit me yet. It might at the morgue, or when I see my brother tommorow. I'm not the only person who's lost a dad, but it never makes it any easier to handle. I love my dad and I love you all.

Fuck Walmart and Fuck Zellers.

Without my comprehension and even my awareness, FF4 (Final Fantasy 4) was released on GBA yesterday. It was even the 14th when I realized that FF4 was released on the 13th. So during the day I had a plan to buy it.

Now really, I personally find FF6 to be the best FF in the series period. Being an old school gamer myself. However FF4 holds more personal connection with me. It was the first FF I every played, and more importantly, it carried some of the most important and excellent balances to the system that the later games seem to toss out of the window. That is of course despite the fact that the magic spell "Virus" just fucks every enemy once you learn it.

But playing this incarnation of the GBA version not only offers extras, but offers the original gameplay experience of FF4. You see the FF4 released in the US was the 'easytype' version of the game, and a lot of stuff was nerfed to make it more PG 13, hell made it even more PG. But now playing this will be like playing an entirly new game.

But alas Walmart and Zellers will have no association with it apparently by not stocking it in my town. The fuckers...the damn fucking fuckers. I'll get it though. I'll get this great game and no one will stop me.

Canadian politcs.

As much as I don't really care for Canadian politics at this moment, it's been awfully interesting. Why I don't care for Canadian politics between the Tories and the Grits isn't because it's a election over the holidays, but because it seems vastly useless right now to even have an election only to have another minority gov't be put into power. Sure that might not be the case now considering that what happened in the BC Provincial election in 2000 might greatly affect the Liberals this time. Basicaly the NDP being seen as more of a solid choice between the Conservatives and Liberals, but splitting the vote to allow the Conservatives coast into a happy go lucky gov't.

But I have to say, this is one of the most interesting elections in a while. A lot of things have been brought up haven't been in the past two federal elections. Social issues seem on the down low, and money money money is the issue. I haven't seen so many money issues being tossed around this time around. And that 5% GST certainly got my attention to at least pay attention to the election.

However I'm just wondering, in a time of political turmoil of not just here but all over the world, you would wonder what exactly can we hold our elected officials accountable for? The Conservatives aren't exactly the most squeaky clean of politicians with scandal of their own. The Liberals are pratically a bucket full of mud. And the NDP, well they might be nice people, but that last back stab to bring down the Gov't with the Conservatives might not exactly place well with many voters. It might be a non-issue or some sort of "necessary evil", but sadly they do reek of flip flopping so it seems.

I just wonder if promises or habits aren't really appealing to me all that much, perhaps what would really appeal to be is just brutal honesty. Complete and utter Bullworth-esque honesty. I wonder how sucessful someone would be if they actually said what they would fuck up if they were handed the keys to office. I don't think people need a rally on what could be, but a declaration of what is obviously going to happen.

The Point of Gambling: You Hate to lose Part 2

As imagined by my last post I was pretty stoked on my luck. I mean I basically doubled up on my money and was eager to go to the casino on the weekend. We went out, me a bit more confident and of course I had to wait for a table to open up. Soon enough it did, but unlike the night before, I wasn't so lucky.

I'm normally not a superstitious person, but gambling does seem to have a tendacy to bring that luck mojo belief that everyone has hidden away in the back of the mind. I tried to sit in a similar place on the table, and started out with $80. As the blinds buried me down and down, and crap hand after crap hand appeared, I was down to $30 and becoming frustrated wondering where my luck went to. I won a big hand with triple 3s I think, but then a nice thing happened to me. I basically won back my money, having about $75 total and a sudden feeling of relief washed over me.

It seems that in that feeling I learned that you shouldn't really put too much emotion into gambling or take it too seriously since it is another form of entertainment. And strangely enough I felt that way. I felt that regardless if I actually lost all that $80 right then and there, at least I had a win to have made the night worthwhile to play. But after that I think I was downgraded down to around $20 - $30. I think around that time the pit bosses split the table up and closed it down because there were too few people at the table or they wanted to start a new one so they asked for some people to "migrate" to another one...however since there were so few people who migrated they just shut down the table.

Feeling slightly down I took my meager money and went to the roulette table. Now me personally I love roulette. The main thing came from playing it online a bit, and seeing that if you bet right, you could win a lot from it. However being my first time, I actaully did the typical noob thing to just bet on black or red. I hit the right mark for about 4 time straight and lo and behold I get fucked by the time...it's 2:00am and the floor for gambling is over. The poker room stays open for 24/7, but the rest of the casino games close at 2:00am. fuck jsut when I wanted to have some fun.

I wander the casino seeing if my brother is ready to leave, but apparently he's not. Instead what I do stupidly enough is take my money, plop down another 60 in chips and play another game. I don't do so well, considering that in 3/6 games and it's later in the night I'm now playing with some more seasoned people. Moreso the problem in 3/6 limit games is that there are always people who tend to chase the river card (end card). And there's always a lot of bullsht of that.

Well I lose my money to a straight that was higher than mine. I had the ass end of the straight (the lower numbered) whereas the guy got the higher number. He congratulated me, saying good hand and good game, and I leave being a bit unhappy afterall. I guess the feeling I explained earlier doesn't last when you want to win money back.

The point of gambling? You learn you hate to lose. Part 1

One of the most prevalent memories I had about gambling didn't really involve it at all. I was in Las Vegas with my uncle who was on a business trip. Grandma decided to hunker down and play some slots as most elderly people seem to do. Being the loyal grandson, I decided to sit beside her to keep an eye on her. About a minute later this semi-hag of a waitress comes up to me and asks, "Are you old enough to play?" I honestly reply no and she politely asked me to leave the area since I'm not old enough. Fair enough I walked around leaving my grandmother alone.

While in Edmonton I got my first chance to really gamble. My brother is an avid texas hold'em poker player so I was interested to play one night. We entered the casino he called the Argyle, which is just a sort of nickname because that's the name of the street it is located on.

Being my first time really gambling I was quite nervous. I signed up for a 3/6 limit table and the waiting list looked enourmous. But as luck would have it, they opened up a new table because of the line of players. So here I got my rack of $80 in chips, going into the breech. I sit two spaces to the left of the dealer, set up my chips in piles of ten and away we go.

There are only three hands of singificance to report. Two of them which will really determine the future course of my poker playing.

1. I get Ace/four (A/4). I quite forget, but the flop produced another Ace and another 4. However seeing the heavy betting, I fold my two pair I think after the turn (4th community card dealt). Eventually on the river, another ace hits. The winning hand was a guy who had 4/4. He had a fucking full house, 4 over Aces. Had I stayed in, I would have a full house, but Aces over 4....resoundingly better. Well throwing away good hands is part of the game, but it doesn't make it any easier.

2. I get a shitty hand. I think 6/2, but I play it anyways. I don't quite know if this was me taking a stand to play in general considering my pot was really getting low, almost 2/3's gone. At that time I was at pretty low spirits because lady luck was not shining on me. On the flop, two 2s hit. Now for some reason I have an action where I just widen my eyes, so I guess I learned I have a problem and should control that. Sitting pretty I just call or bet if someone checks. It seems other people think they have a better hand. Lo and behold on the river I get another 2. I have quad 2's, and the pot is pretty massive (comparatively). Possibly one of the biggest pot in the game. We show our cards and boom, my monster hand totally fucks over his. My first win and I'm giddy as hell. Being the newbie I was, I begin to stack my chips showing my novice skills, and the dealer waiting for no one just totally deals the new cards, even on my pile of unstacked chips. I basically had to fold that one.

3. A few hands down the road, a spot was left empty by a player leaving earlier. A new one enters looking particularly experienced in the poker of playing. I get Ace/4 suited, hearts. I play it regardless of what happened last time when I had this hand. The flop produces 3 heart suited cards.

Holy shit.

I had a flush, but not just any flush. A flush with the ace. I really don't people to know I have the flush so I check. People bet or raise or reraise and I follow suit. By the time betting started for the river, it was just heads up poker between me and the new poker player. She raises and I think I reraise her. She calls. By now the pile is probably just as big as the previous pot I won (comparitively mind you). She shows her hand, a flush with hearts, but I have the ace of hearts. No wonder she tried to muscle me out, she thought she had it, but so did I.

After another hand and a tip to the dealer later, I pack up and leave the table. The final take, $160 dollars. $80 dollars in winnings. I was slightly disappointed/greedy because I wanted an odd number, perhaps $163 or even $162. But money is money. Not bad for a first night out.

First Time's a Charm

I had a chance about two months ago to attended one of the local strip clubs with some buddies but was tired at the time. Or chickenshit as some of my closer friends would attest, which would probably more accurate. But my friend Chris told me that within the next two weeks, I must come out with him to the titty bar with him and Jeremy. Well two months later, and after a viewing of the Dukes of Hazzard we made a night out of it.

We were getting into the Wet Spot around 11, and it was pretty much dead, with at most a dozen people there. In fact I'm sure I saw some hotel managers looking at prospective future dancers. We were at the end of one girl's dance and while we got refreshements, Chris asked if this was the last dance. The waitress, being ally of the hotel first than the patrons said, "maybe". Chris tried to validate the surity of another dancer coming on and let's just say I wasn't impressed so far, but at least I had friends to share the night with.

After Chris making fun of my not wanting to sit right up front, we did. Took about 10 minutes but a new girl came onto the stage, and Jeremy made a comment how she had legs up to her neck and could probably swallow you whole with them. So she started dancing, Chris spotted me 5 loonies for future use which I didn't know what the fuck to do with them. Being the new guy and stupid, I was almost tempted to toss the fucking dollars right onto the stage, doing my best to pelt the girl to get her attention; but I guess comedy isn't appropriate for this time.

Strangely to me, the girl was talkative. I guess there isn't much to do but talk and keep the patrons occupied when the club is so empty so she basically did a little circuit corner to corner chatting it up with the customers. I would imagine (due to my lack of knowledge of female anatomy) she was in good enough shape considering that she coud flex her pectorial muscles and cause her breasts to bounce, but once again due to my lack of knowledge I don't know how much in shape she is. Strangely enough she talked about how she's a Trekker. I asked what's the difference between her and a Trekkie which seemd to be that she's a fan of the shows, but doesn't go to conventions or cosplay.

Jeremy made a comment on whether she was a man or not in which she put her hand down her pants and said...no. I guess comedic timing is everything. One little problem in which she pointed out that some guy might have been using a camera phone to take her picture, she got back to work. As she got naked, she brought out her rolled up posters in which she could hold one poster each in the underside of her breast. And thus began the coin games. She went over to us first chatted with us in which I was learning the ropes onto how to properly toss a coin.

The first game so to speak was trying to knock one of the poster out from under her breast, which Jeremy properly failed in his attempt to show me how to do it properly. The second game, which lasted only as long as the first one (one coin toss) was to toss the coin into a funneled version of her poster....that of course was rigged as fuck considering she moved it. But finally enough of the bullshit later, we came to knocking the coin off her belly. Let's just say I was so inept in doing so, she gave me tips onto how to throw. Like a dart she said. A few attempts later, it was over.

After she entertained the other patrons, I Chris called her over for one more chance. However not to make it an entire waste, I asked her what show she liked the best. She went to go on about DS9 how it was her favorite series, in which I agreed. Of course this doesn't bode well because being the geekier of my friends, I should have the more lame vastness of Star Trek knowledge amongst them. I don't want to exactly come off as a yes-man to "assume" to know what she was talking about aka just agreeing with her just because she said.

I attempted to final attempts to knock the coin off her belly and to get a poster. Somewhere along the line she said she would give me a second chance because I look like Ensign Kim and said that her roommate had such a crush on Ensign Kim how she'd like to fuck him. However unbothered as I was, I still totally failed in knocking off that damn coin. I guess in a fit of pity, or some sort of way to get rid of the poster, she said if I could do the "Live long and prosper" symbol, I could get it. Without any complication I pull it off and boom shacka lacka, I get my poster. I then continue to chat it up and ask her what her favorite character from Star Trek is. She replied: "Well my favorite character, but I wouldn't fuck him though, is Garak." which again I had to agree because he was genuinely one of my favorite characters. Mainly because he was prentetious and a tailor. We then go on a bit on each of our favorite eps with him, she apparently liked the one where he's on a Cardassian ship and goes insane due to some chemical in the air. I particularly like the one whre Basir had to remove a device from his brain.

Chris and Jeremy asked him who'd she'd like to fuck, she said totally would be Q. Chris suggest Odo, but she said totally Q because he's omniscient, thus he could do anything. She could be the guy and he the girl and she could totally drill him. Or they could be lions and just go at it in the jungle. She also made some comment about Data potentially being like a giant vibrabtor.

As she left, Jeremy said she might sit on my lap and sign the poster. A few minutes later she did come out to sign my poster asking me who to make it out too. I emphasize that it's Stephen with a ph.


She went to to chat it up with the bartender, in which Chris told me to chat it up with her. He gives me a 20 in order to send me to get a round. I do get up to the bar, make my order and ask her if she wanted a drink. She said yes, and we both ended doing a shot of Baha something....a small pink girly drink as Chris pointed out later. Apparently when I returned to my seat she wanted mocked an attempt to grab my ass by laying her hand on her seat. I should mention that she was fucking tall...I mean 6'2" at least. But yes, I guess the best way that capped off the night as she left that she thanked me and gave me a small peck on the cheek. This made me realize what were the odds finding a stripper with knowledge about Star Trek let alone talking about it during her performance.